was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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