the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
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