I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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