she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
