I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
