I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
