took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
