Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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