You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
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She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
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So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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