she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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