I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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