This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Who died my cat blue again?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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