Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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