I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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