have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
