Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
