You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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