I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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