Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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