I'm lost and stupid without you.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
