____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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