i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
