Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
