i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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