I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
