so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
