I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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