??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
