1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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