I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
