Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
