i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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