you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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