Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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