i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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