There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
