I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
