he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
