I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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