what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
