Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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