mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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