Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
