my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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