I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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