Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
