I looked at my own cervix.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
