I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
