Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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