So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
