I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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