I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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