you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
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Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
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I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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