K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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