o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
