I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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