when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
