eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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