My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
