I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
is wine microwaveable?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
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