i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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